My past is my past.
I spent so much time avoiding this relationship and now I am content to say ok God I will let it go. I will give up something that has consumed my life for so many years and caused me so much unhappiness. Today was the final straw. The straw that just broke the camel's back. I travel thirty miles to be a reader.
Rules are rules but he could have said something. Whether on time or not. I sent her an email that she could have easily responded with take your time, I have it under control. No, nothing, then just embarrass me like an infant in front of the other people and smile about the whole thing.
He could have easily said something but he chose to let his gatekeeper hold the reins. I get it. I walked away without any nonsense, but that was it for me. He neither needs nor wants me. I guess God knew this was not for me.
I'm sensitive, very sensitive. I'm too sensitive for this church. I love the fact that they will take on social cues that are affecting our young men, thee men need to be the stable part of the church, but for the women, poor relations.
I will give my tithes to this church, and the church only, but I will come only once a month. I am hurt y this church and I can only stand to be hurt once a month. Poor relation. Feed the Homeless, feed and clothes the women and children. play basketball for the young men.
This place is doing more than any place I know of, but for the parishioners, I'm just not sure if we are getting any of our needs met. That's why people leave. He should be a foundation, not a church. The spiritual hospital is for others, not for members, not for those we love.
Tough Love is all they have. We can't get too close, it might show our humanity for those in front of us who we see all the time. Why do we wear wigs, maybe its because we have a disease that we nee to wear wigs for. Why are we different, maybe God made us that way.
I think God knew my heart would break in two if I let him in. I think God knew I was not strong enough for a relationship with him. I think God protected me. Protected him. I'm going to eharmony and find someone to date. internet dating has to work. Fuck this shit. I haven't had a date, man or relationship for over twenty years. I'm sick and tired of this shit. I need to open my heart, not fear and just jump in. Welcome 2017, I am yours.
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