Excuses

My Love,
What I heard, my interpretation, my feelings about what was said, may or may not have been your intention, but my feelings are my feelings.
First, I go to church almost every Sunday, unless I am sick, which I have had the flu this season, but then you wouldn’t know that. I attend Victory Cathedral, with pastor Smokie Norfolk, with my mother. She likes him, I’m not impressed. She can’t drive to her usual church, with Bill Winston in Hillside, so I take her to this one that she has chosen, closer to home. We attend the 7:30am service. Then usually she likes to go to the grocery store, then home. I listen to Saint Sabina on the first through third Sundays and on the fourth Sunday, I attend because Isabelle asked me to switch with her for Eucharistic minister duties because she does Sunday school, but you wouldn’t know that either. I wish I could just continue to do whatever I wanted to do with my life regardless of others but I can’t. I have the here and now to think of. The people who are actually in my life and interacting with me on a personal level. People who love me and show me that they love me through their words and actions. Where is this suppose to go? How am I suppose to draw closer if I feel, and 5his is how I feel, I am attacked and threatened for not being a better Christian in your eyes. I will never measure up to the fighting Christian solder you expect or want me to be. I am flawed, I am not perfect. I’m not there today to sit in a pew and stare at you. I love you as best I can. I’m trying to increase my communication back to what must have been a comfortable level for you in this journal. I wanted more and still do. This is not real to me. We must talk to one another face to face. Until that is happening, then this is all fake. I plan to attend Lenten bible study on tuesdays if my car will allow it. My check engine light is on and the cost is going to be almost a thousand dollars, but then you don’t know that either. I don’t deny that you have loads of troubles too, but don’t downplay my troubles either. Just because I’m not stressing my car out to drive almost thirty miles each way for a visit does not mean I don’t want to see you.
I feel, and this is just how I feel, demeaned and less than in your eyes right now. I can’t imagine why you would want to see me. My first thought is , stop it, let’s make some real changes and not just comfortable ones, but then what is really a real change for us?